De-escalate Conflict with The Power of the Pause
Practice the Pause
When a conflict arises and we feel the rush of emotions, it is so easy to react in the moment and blurt out whatever comes to mind. At times we may even be surprised by what comes out of our mouth…not realizing the full depths to which something has stung us until lines of vitriol come spewing out back at the person who we felt provoked by.
This is where the Pause comes in.
In our instant-gratification culture, we are enticed into believing instant is better. We want something? We go and buy it. Don’t like something we see on someone’s social media? We leave a comment. Never-ending opportunities to react…
In conflict when our emotions are high, our critical thinking is low. Our ability to discern truth is compromised, and we often find ourselves behaving in ways we later regret. How many times have you found yourself surveying the wreckage of a war of words with someone and you hardly recognize yourself in it?
So why do we rush in? Well, partly because we get caught up in the momentum of the moment. We are swept away by the tides of entanglement with the person we are engaging with, and we lose all sense of what is best. As we react to emotion from the other person, we throw our own emotion on the fire, and then the cycle just builds and builds until it breaks. This is true in romantic relationships, familial relationships, parent-child relationships, and so on.
Practicing the Pause can be so powerful in protecting the relationship. When you notice yourself getting emotionally activated in a conflict (heart rate increasing, palms sweating, breath getting shallow, tearful, raised voice, and/or heat throughout your body), that is the first signal to take a Pause.
What does a Pause look like?
Initiation of the Pause
“I need to take a second to collect my thoughts, can we come back to this in 5 minutes?”
“I realize we are both passionate about this, and I want to understand where you’re coming from but am feeling a lot of intense feelings right now that are keeping me from being able to see things clearly. Can we revisit this conversation tomorrow?”
“What you just said struck me very deeply, and I need to take a break until I can respond respectfully and calmly. I will let you know when I am ready to talk again.”
During the Pause
Grab a coffee/tea or take a bathroom break to collect yourself
Engage in an activity that calms you
Take a walk
Bible study/pray
Seek the wise counsel of a friend (I caution you to not merely seek to gossip/smear the other person when you do this, but use someone you trust that may be able to provide neutral feedback and insight into a solution)
Concluding the Pause
It is so important to go back to the person once emotions have settled to ensure resolution of the conflict. When returning to the conversation it is helpful to outline the intentions from the outset:
“It is not my desire to fight about this, I want to earnestly hear you and understand. Can we agree to speak about the issue itself and not bring up insults or accusations against each other?”
“I am ready to talk again about the issue. Please let me know when would be a good time for you for us to have a calm and respectful conversation about it.”
“I appreciate your patience while I collected my thoughts. I would like to address this issue with you in a way we both feel heard and understood.”
Don’t feel discouraged if it isn’t smooth right away, retraining old habits is HARD! Just remember, as with all new habits, it takes practice to solidify and strengthen a new approach. This is always compounded by the variables the other person brings to the conversation as well. The more you practice the Pause, the better you will be at implementing it! And if you need a space to process and work through conflict, let’s get started!
