How to Apologize in 3 Easy Steps
“I messed up, and I don’t know how to say ‘I’m sorry.’”
I hear you. Saying, “I’m sorry,” seems like it should be soooo easy. And though it is quite simple, it can be so hard sometimes. Let’s talk about three easy steps you can take to offer a sincere apology and mean it!
Step 1: Start with a humble heart.
Oftentimes you get stuck in feeling justified in your bad behavior due to the bad behavior of others. Deep down inside you may reason, “well, that would have never come out if THEY hadn’t (fill in the blank).”
The difficult thing to accept sometimes is that even though the actions of others may have inspired your bad behavior, you are ultimately responsible for what does (and does not) come out of your mouth.
Recognizing your fallibility is a very humbling exercise, but is essential in offering a sincere and effective apology.
Without humility, your apology runs the risk of being flat, feeling forced, and ultimately being rejected by the person it is intended for.
Have you ever felt the empty apology of someone else? The, “oh-I’m-sorry-please-don’t-be-made-at-me,” offering that really just comes across as an attempt to get out of a consequence and NOT really motivated by a deep desire to repair what was broken?
Exactly.
Starting with a humble heart protects your apology from coming across in an insincere way.
Step 2: Acknowledge what hurt/harm you have caused.
Ooomph… read that again. A vague or general apology is never going to impact the receiver in the same way a detailed and specific apology does.
Which of the following would YOU prefer after being wronged by someone:
”Hey, I’m sorry you’re mad about what I said.”
”Hey, I took some time to think about what I said and I realize it really hurt you. I know how important your job is to you, and my reaction probably left you feeling like it didn’t matter. I never want you to think that what’s important to you doesn’t matter to me, and I am sorry my response was so careless.”
I’m guessing you, like many others, would opt for apology number 2? Notice the differences between the two options:
Devoid of any responsibility in the wrong doing and placing the burden of the hurt on the person who was wronged;
Accepting full responsibility in a detailed way that captures what matters to the person who was wronged.
Ultimately, the bridge back to trust and relationship is found in feeling understood and safe. When you apologize by recognizing the other person’s feelings and how your actions affected them, you create a chance to restore trust and fix the relationship.
Now that we have the core of the apology figured out, let’s get to the most crucial and critical step of them all…
Step 3: Refrain from offering excuses.
This final step is probably the most difficult of all of them! You want to help them understand why you did/said what you did, so you are tempted to offer up a “but” or “because” at the end of what would otherwise be a beautifully sincere apology.
Don’t.
When you are receiving an apology that acknowledges how someone has hurt you and the values that you hold, your heart releases and opens. You start to feel seen. Understood. Known.
And THEN, all of a sudden, they tack on a bunch of reasons why… and you notice your heart start to close a bit. You get your back up and start mentally arguing with each excuse that’s offered.
Apology ruined.
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter why you have hurt someone, only that you did hurt someone. As you attach excuses, explanations, justifications (whatever you want to call them), you undermine your accountability for any wrongdoing and place the burden of concern for your situation onto the other person.
As each person offers a sincere apology, the relationship slowly starts to stabilize and rebuild. Each person feeling truly understood and cared for. Each person recognizing what they did that contributed to the other’s pain. Restoration and growth.
Keeping your apology humble, specific, and free from excuses allows it to be fully received.
What if they don’t take accountability and apologize for their wrongdoing?
Absolutely fair question, and definitely one I will address in other blogs more in-depth. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your actions. Taking ownership of your mistakes allows you to grow and mature.
You cannot force someone else to take ownership of their mistakes.
Regardless of whether there will be repentance on the other side, you are always able to take full responsibility for yourself. To right any wrongs. To mend what you have broken. Beyond that… you get to decide which relationships have the capacity to be rebuilt and which are not reciprocal with the same goal of reconciliation in mind.
Whether someone offers an apology to you does not change whether you should take full accountability for yourself and where you misstep.
And who knows… maybe your maturity and humbleness will be an example to someone else?
